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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Feelings that should be conveyed ...


Hey, readers. Thanks for visiting my blog and do spend some of your time reading to my entry. I know my blog is boring. I’m not even talking about food or bags or new shoes or new gadgets I had but I’m write about my personal life, hopefully will attract you guys to read. Well, living as me these 19 years is never boring, yet fun! I encounter lots of ups and downs of life. Since I was child, people know me because of my attitude. I’m easy going and friendly with most people. I can sit with a stranger and have a long chit chat session with Him or Her easily. I’m cheerful and I hate my life silence. I love music and listen to it of course. I’m talkative and loud. Sometimes, people hate me because I’m noisy. However, someday somehow they will feel that this world is not alive without my noise. I was known of that noise. Yes, people do like me because of that. Unfortunately, not all. There are still some people who hate me because of that. I out spoken and very direct and frank. But, not all the time. It’s depending on the situation too. I dare to speak out what is on my mind; even I know myself might be wrong or right.
Actually, the purpose of I am writing this post is to explain and express how I feel on certain people. Not everyone in this world is born perfect, and we are born not to judge people most of the time. Since I entered my campus, everything had changed. I found new brand of friends and I have different atmosphere here. I get to know lots of people from different region and walks of life. Until, I found a gang that make up us a group of friends. I close with them, and they are the persons I was first gone out together and dinner together. Most of my new friends here are from other classes. Not to say I have no friends among my classmates, just I have least. My classmates are all “nerd” sometime and rarely make themselves stand out among other classes. But, they are all good and follow the rules. It just sometime they are too lazy to take part in any of my campus’ activities. Well, as not-so-perfect human, I thanked God for giving me them as my classmates. But, somehow I rarely hang out with them during weekend, as I mostly spend my weekend with friends from other classes. Sorry guys! I don’t mean it, but I just don’t know why I feel like you guys disliking me. I know sometimes I was rude and acting stupid and annoying, but it just I feel like I was excluded in the class. That is why, I less spend time with you guys.
Never in my life has my friendship gone smoothly because we have least trust and things related. We being friend like being a family, but at the same time we talk them behind. As we develop the friendship, we get to know more about the person. We know their true colours, the bad and the good. We start to complaint their bad behaviour and so so so. We distance ourselves from them, we start to ignore them until in the end we relationship turn to cold and at last we didn’t talk for quite sometimes. Yes, that what had happened to me and I guess everyone too. This had happened to my campus’ friends. I don’t really think that this seems to be so important, as I friend them only for few months so far, we were just best friend in the campus and I knew them for few months. They are nothing compared to my good friends during school time and my childhood friends. So, losing them is just like losing 10 cent coins, no matter how small the value but it is still valuable. But, they are just 10 cent coins, why should I keep them in my purse if I can bring light 100 ringgit notes in my pocket... To keep that kind of friends just making myself burden, thinking of them most of the time but they will never remember us.
I think, it is time for me to learn how to live alone. I mean, I still have people around me but I walk all alone to the class, to the canteen, to the library because I don’t think so it is important to have companion all the time. Because, we still can do everything alone. Most “everything”! For me, being alone is not another word of being no friends. It just that we need space and time for our own. If we feel comfortable of being alone, that’s it. We should be alone. In the end we will realize that the only person we can rely on and depend on is just ourselves.
People may like or may not like you, but the most important thing is you stay true of what you are. Friends nowadays, behind each of their sweet smiles are backstabbing bitch. No matter how careful you choose your words, they will end up being twisted by others. I just don’t understand why it could happen. Sometimes, I do stand in front of the mirror, what is so wrong about me? Why is that I was always given problems in friendship? Maybe, I was just not a good friend too, the reason why I was challenged of having such friends.
Behind all my happy faces and my cheerful smiles, there are something that people doesn’t know. Well, should I say it here now? You are lucky if you have a chance to read this. I am good in faking my smiles and hide my true feelings. I was a person who actually reacts opposite to my feelings. When I was sad, I pretending that I am okay, like there is nothing had happened. When I feel depressed, I have myself time to do something stupid and illogical, for example? You know how and what is that. If I hate a person, I will always being good with them, sometimes being ironical and sarcasm, also I will hardly tried to make them hurt. I was actually not as good as I appear and from what you see. I still have my evil side inside me. Yes, everyone also has. I turn evil without people realise it. I was true evil if I had hated the person. I admit that no matter how hard I had tried to change the attitudes, I just can’t. It’s nature. I can’t see a person happy if I’m not happy because they make me unhappy. I will try anything to ruin their happiness. See, how evil am I. But, so far I didn’t do it for most people because I do still have “iman”. It has stopped me from doing something that was out of my control. I believe I have no power to punish people except for Allah SWT.
I had writing way to much in this post... Well, as I had said “I would rather write to express”... I have no courage to express my feeling...
Thanks for reading. I was writing this because of few problems that I had this few weeks...
Well, I promise myself not to think about it anymore later...
To God, Ya ALLAH SWT... pada mu aku tawakal. Aku sedang menjalani salah satu ujian yang telah kau berikan pada ku. Sesungguhnya, sedikit sebanyak ujian ini telah menjadikan aku bertambah rapat kepadamu, Insya Allah... Maafkan kesilapan aku selama ini. Sesungguhnya, tiada ciptaan mu yang sempurna yakni hamba. Terima kasih Ya Allah atas peluang kehidupan yang kau berikan kepada ku, atas peluang dan kesempatan aku masih menimba ilmu... semuanya keranamu, Ya Allah...

I should pen off right now. If only I had used this time to write my assignment, maybe I had done. Hehee ...
Bye...
Salam J

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