Existed & Viewed Since 2010

Sunday, April 14, 2024

2024's first!

 Peace be upon you, readers!

It's the middle of April and quarter of 2024, and this is my first post. In fact, it's Syawal the 5th.

I'm here none other than to express my unhappiness; I'm disturbed - by my own overthinking. I'm killed, slowly (literally). Tomorrow is my first day at work after a week Raya break. I'm not ready, never been ready. I lost my ikigai - the reason to wake up every morning. I have no answers to all these. I know for sure, everything that had happened to me was caused by me, with my own permit. At some point of times, I'm lost. I lost my idea to live. I'm getting tired of life - my own life. Again, I have no idea to all these.

I'm sad. I'm tired. I lost appetite to living this world. I do not live the template the society has prepared. I live outside the template. Thus, I don't feel belonged. Deep inside, I know, nobody says we must live in the templates. We create our own life. I know that but I'm just a human, I was easily influenced. My thoughts, my minds.


I felt so much better after writing this. A self-reflection. I'm still fine, but slowly, I lost my sense of living. It has became a cancer that slowly kills me. No, I won't let it kills me.


P/S: What doesn't kill you make you stronger!

Saturday, December 30, 2023

365 /365 of 2023

 Peace be upon you, dear readers!

It's a final page of the year 2023. It wasn't a good year to be honest, but I learnt a lot. I couldn't recall so much of things happening this year because mostly they were unproductive days. However, there were also good things that I was grateful for.

We started this year with resuming the previous academic calendar year; the 2022/2023. We had Ujian Akhir Sesi Akademik (UASA) for the first time, then we had Majlis Anugerah Kecemerlangan Murid (MAKM), then sambutan Hari Jadi Murid Asrama. I remember it stopped there. We had a month school break, and I spent mostly my break at school. I repainted my class, I helped the Asrama Team to paint the asrama too. I spent most of my school break at school. It's a boring tale.

Then, when school reopened, it was time for Ramadhan and Hari Raya. Ramadhan was great (but the year with Covid was greater), Raya was fine, but I didn't get to jalan-jalan simply because I refused. We did a home-photo-shooting for raya. Then, it was time for school again. We had an event for Cikgu Welen in May, together with Hari Raya, Guru and Gawai celebrations, all in one. I guessed, that was the end of all our excitement in school.

End of May, I went for a road trip, finally I went out the border of my own district. We got to experience Pan-Borneo Highway, from Selangau to Kuching and it was convenient and splendid. The journey was comfortable too and the highway shorten our journey by almost 2 hours, I think. I got to wander around Kuching too, though it was short but it was the best because I hadn't been travelling for nearly a year after Covid.

Then, came June, July and August. I couldn't recall much of what happened in those months, but for sure, those weren't good months. I discovered my own colleague hated me and talked about me behind my back for things I didn't do. I was confused. It was obvious. School was no longer a happy place. I had my downs, week by week. Early August, I purchased a concert ticket to Yunaverse. I was excited to go on a solo trip in two months. I then booked my air return ticket, then my stay at a backpacker pod. I was excited.

Early September, I was promoted to become a Senior Assistant, and ahead of me there were few other senior teachers. That was the worst week of the year. I cried everyday, every night and every morning before I headed to school. I cried the hardest I could, but I made sure I didn't cry again the following week. Slowly, I struggled to lift myself up again. My colleague came to see me, out of sudden that one evening, to say how sorry he was but things can never be the same again. Awkward. We didn't talk now, I refused and maybe he refused too. We talked when there were works related. I didn't like my workplace anymore. I hated it then. Days passed and I was getting better. I had to be better.

Then, came October. I had courses in Miri, then a week in Mukah. I was selected as part of MARA programme namely Mathematics for Rural Kids (MARK). October was the busiest. October was ended by my trip to Kuala Lumpur for Yunaverse. It was a short trip because so many things awaited in November. Early November, I was in Sibu for Scrabble competition. We won 3rd again this year. I was paired with lots of ladies this year, two of them were new. We had our struggles too, most of our senior players couldn't play because so many events coincided in the same week. We recruited quite a number of new players, and Mukah Team was seen as underdog. Little to their surprise, the underdog team consisted of mostly young players made it to the semi-final and won third for real (last year was ketiga bersama).]

After that, I went to Sibu again for Sukan Peribumi, forcefully. This was when Habib got to know the real me. I was mad and shouted at him in the car. Something terribly happened from school, management teams and colleagues led to this. I regretted it, but at least I woke him up from his long dream of ignorance. Our friendship scarred. We didn't joke around like we used to anymore. Maybe it was for the good, I wasn't sure. What good thing this month was, I got to see friend-of-friend, an English Excellence Teacher in Selangau, Ms Venissa, who was also a Public Gold active dealer. I bought my first gram under her. To date, I had collected a total of 3 grams of gold as an investment. I promised to buy a gram per month, consistently.

When November ended, we needed to be ready for a last minute sport day on the first week of December. I performed a lot my duty as a leader this month, though I wasn't fully ready. My boss was missing a few days in a week, almost every week. I had be in control of the school. Then, it was time for a short school break. I spent the first week in school, did my works a bit then the following week was a few pages of this chapter before we close this book of 2023. Nothing much happened really, went to Miri with my mom for a wedding, stayed overnight then headed home again the following day. Now, it's the 365/365 page of 2023.


Phew~~~


This year, I missed a lot, especially my 8Ss principle; Solat/Sembahyang, Sihat/Sejahtera, Simpan/Saving, Sedekah, Syukur, Social Media cleansing, Success and Scholarship. Let breakdown this.

1. Solat/Sembahyang di awal waktu dan ketika musafir. I failed tremendously this year. Consistency was the hardest when you want to change yourself.

2. Sihat/Sejahtera, so exercise and eat healthily. I gained so much weight, now I'm at 97kg by the end of this year. I gained 10kgs from 87kg which I cut from 93kgs in previous year. My ankle sprained twice after a heavy run I had. I'm at my worst.

3. Simpan/Savings. Now, I have a few saving or investment accounts. However, the more I saved, the more I dug. So, it remained stagnant. In November, I started with gold investment. I regained my spirit back, now I have 3 grams of gold with Public Gold and 1.065 grams in my Maybank Islamic Gold Account (MiGA). I promised to consistently buying gold every month in those two accounts. My SSPN Prime account was doing good, consistently saved RM100 per month but I withdrew RM500 in October. Tabung Haji was doing good too, consistenly saved RM200 per month, but this was the account that I dug the most almost every month when I ran out. Gosh!

4. Sedekah, every month and on behalf of Ayah. I only sedekah in the month of Ramadhan this year and this is sad. 

5. Syukur, always praise for Allah. I couldn't deny I had lot of downs this year and I forgot to praise Allah for everything He had made me. There were always reason to them.

6. Social Media cleansing; reduce them. Now, I rarely posting on my IG, reactivated my Facebook and became a frequent Tik Tok viewer. Gosh!

7. Success, apply for Excellence Teacher. Missed the deadline and not working hard towards achieving it. No write-ups, small scale research bla bla bla. 

8. Scholarship, the Chevening. Purposely missed it because I had no Person of Reference, no time for IELTS and no abroad Uni granted a postgraduate with 3.26 CGPA during their undergraduate. Now I regretted of me saying "Alaaa, pointer 3.0 pun nanti posting gaji sama je". If you want to grow, you can either grow with your own money or grow for free, and I wanted the later. Next, try HLP and MEXT!


So, are you ready for 2024???








Tuesday, November 7, 2023

An explosion, or an eruption!

Peace be upon you, dear readers!

I bursted. I erupted. I exploded. There's a limit to ones' patience, and when you passed or exceeded the limit, an eruption occurred.


You provoked me. You defended your own mistake, obvious mistake. You made in the guilt, while I wasn't. You made me feel stupid, following your direction. I just couldn't bear it anymore. I bursted. I erupted. I exploded. All the way to Sibu Indoor Stadium, passed by 5 traffic lights. I drove in anger. You almost made me stop and drop you in the middle of the road. I would do that, but that wasn't me. 


If you asked, I regretted my action. But sometimes, that was what you need. A knock on your head. If you think what I had said was as bitter as coffees, at least that was what you need to make you awake! You have been long sleeping, in your own fantasy for being selfish! I had enough. I had to ring the bell in you!


Ya Allah, grant me patience, grant me patience in the name of Yours.

Monday, September 4, 2023

State of Mind

 Peace be upon you, readers!

Well, you guys can guess why am I here again, at this hour, after months. Can you guess?

............

............

BINGO! You're right!

I'm not in a good state of mind, a lot had happened recently, which I think worth sharing. Nevertheless, I'm not going to share everything here and now. Well, I don't actually disturbed by things that happened in the past, but rather things which I assume will happen. So, why bother thinking of things which is yet to happen? And this has create a chaos in my mind, swirling like clothes in the washing machine. Therefore, MY STATE OF MIND?!

So, what is it? Wait, I got a reply from the best friend of mine, and his chat contains lots and lots of positivity, and I feel much better now. Wow, what a single chat can bring sunshine and rainbow at the same time. Honestly, I feel so much better now. 

Just so you know, I had this feelings (not good feelings) for months now. And I couldn't stand it now, so put them into words. And I do this right after I replied to my friend on Whatsapp, and in between writing this post, I got his reply (didn't expect to have reply instantly), and I feel so much better now. Shall I screenshot and share it here? Hold on!


  
See?
I have to admit that maybe (or surely) I am too focus on the negative that I forget to look over the positive.

This is just another stage in life, or in this profession. Well, I can choose to stay or to leave, and be what I want to be!


Oklah, that's all for now. Salam.

Monday, May 29, 2023

Teacher’s Day, 2023

Peace be upon you, readers!

I’m here to share a few photos from our Teacher’s day celebration at school on May 16th this year! It marked my 8th Teacher’s day celebration!


Exchange gift; I gave Stephie a mysterious box!


Exchange gift; I got a 3-in-1 sandwich maker from my PK1


A photo with Tuai Rumah Empi & Tuai Rumah Randi


A gift from PTA


Cake cutting ceremony with all male staff


It’s us again with the cake

I think that’s all for now!

Tuesday, February 21, 2023

Burst in Tears

 I have no idea what happened...

I switched on my computer to start working, and I clicked You Tube and randomly watched videos from my subs list, it was from Milkcloud. I remembered that I needed to start working, and clicked on another video; a soothing and calm music playlist from the same YT channel.

Out of the blue, I shed tears... seconds after that I bursted in tears and my mouth mumbling "I'm tired..." for the umpteenth times.

I had so many things to do and yet to do that I forgot to take a rest. I've been holding this feeling since forever and the music helped me to get into the mood, and soothing me at the same time... 

It lasted for a few minutes, and I forced myself to stop crying... but at the same time it was better to let go all of this unwanted feelings... 

CRY, IF YOU THINK YOU NEED TOO... CRY DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE WEAK! WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE ANYONE TO TALK TOO, TO EXPRESS YOUR SADNESS OR ANGER, CRYING IS THE BEST WAY?!


P.S.: I don't remember when was the last time I cried so hard like this...


I used to smile like this... and I still am.

Sunday, January 22, 2023

Unfollow

You did what you did.
And I did what I did.

Unfollow? I'll still be there whenever you need me (or search for me).
Therefore, I took another step ahead to block so that you wouldn't be able to see me, as you wish. I just made your life easy if you didn't have the courage to do so.

Unfollowed VS Blocked, neither way is better, nor the best. However, you did what you did and I did what I did.

Once a family, now an enemy?
Making your life circle small, huh?
No matter how small the size of circle you intended to draw, the area of a circle is still equal to pi r square (πr²)!

P/S: I know you come here to visit once in a while. Thanks for showing me you still care, because I know you still do.

Regards,
ME


Tuesday, December 27, 2022

Soon to end a quick year...

 Peace be upon you, readers!

In the matter of days, the calendar will flip from 2022 to 2023. In fact, this year passed really quick, or maybe I was occupied all the way from January to date. So, how was my 2022?


I don't know where and how to begin, but one word to conclude 2022; SWIFT. 2022 was a year of recovery from the pandemic, everything was back to normal again and we were excited to do everything we had been wanting to do when we were locked up in the comfort of our own home. Well, school had been (really) busy. I was redeployed, thus I had new environment to adapt and get used to. I hold new position and that made me occupied every months. I had my 30th born anniversary trip to KL end of February and went to Semporna for Discover Scuba Diving (DSD) end of May. Life started quick again after June with school activities and whatnot. I missed a few applications for scholarships and also GC. There's always next year, but it can never be the same. October was the busiest by far, I had courses almost every week. November wasn't bad too, I spent mostly out from school in November. Then, comes December!


So, am I here for another new year's resolutions? I didn't remember if I had any this year, and whether I went achieving it or not. I lost track. Was 2022 that bad? Not really. It had been good. It taught me a lot, like previous years but this year was even better. I learnt that people didn't actually change, they just showed their true colours. I learnt to let go of a toxic friendship, I learnt to appreciate myself even better. I learnt to be kind to everybody and mind my own business, I learnt to not easily judge people and respect their decision on how to behave. I learnt to be grateful of everything, be it good or bad because whatever happened to you was due to Allah's will. I learnt to keep going, not following the flow because following the flow would make you drown sometimes. Life was too short to be worry, appreciate and live my life like there was no tomorrow. 


Well, do I keep a new year's resolution for 2023. Let me think if I have any. Nevertheless, I think I'd like to recall my 7Ss if it can fit my 2023's resolutions...

1st S: Solat and Sembahyang, I need to improve on this especially during musafir period. I need to relearn how to Jamak.

2nd S: Sihat and Sejahtera. Gosh, I gained weight since I moved to this new school. No exercises on the weekend like I used too. Please, EXERCISE and EAT HEALTHILY!

3rd S: Simpan or Saving. Please commit to save a fraction of my income to Tabung Haji every month!

4th S: Sedekah... all the time, not during Ramadhan month only. Sedekah on Ayah's behalf too.

5th S: Syukur. Be grateful and always remember, in your rezeki there are also others.

6th S: Social Media cleansing. Well, I can live without Facebook & Twitter for more than a year now. But I'm currently on Tik Tok and have been addicted to it. Gosh!

7th S: Success. I gained a few successes this year but I need to do more to achieve more. GC and scholarship, or maybe publishing my own story books for young children, produces digital arts and sell them on Etsy of Shoppee! More action researches and more writings, and present papers in a few conferences! PLEASE!!!


They are still applies for 2023. We'll see if 2023 serves me any good. Insha Allah.


Thanks for spending some times reading my post! See ya!






Sunday, October 23, 2022

What a Gift?!

 A fake Ombré,

An original Bamboo.


I once bought you, 

an English pear and freesia.

I knew it wasn't real,

then I kept it to myself.


--- because I don't do other people fake.